Trauma, such a scary word you immediately know that whoever is going through that has had to face some pretty awful things. Whenever I heard the word, I never truly understood what it meant, and I never thought I would experience it. But sometimes the world is cruel, life is shit and I found that out at such a young age.
When you go through something traumatic it follows you your whole life. It eats away at you day by day, you can’t sleep because your mind is just constantly going, no matter how tired you are your brain just doesn’t stop. Then comes the depression and anxiety, one minute your fine and the next you just get this empty feeling in the pit of your stomach and you don’t know why you’re so sad, but you are and you can’t explain it because you don’t actually know what’s wrong. You want to be alone all the time so you can curl in a ball and sit in darkness with nothing but your mind replaying over and over again what’s happened. But then when you’re alone you want nothing more than to be held by someone who loves you, someone who takes the pain away.
It makes you keep a guard up, never letting anyone in because if you don’t let them in then when they leave it wont hurt, right? Constantly all that’s on your mind is that you will never be good enough for anyone, you are too much baggage, they will never be able to love you and if they do, they’ll leave as soon as they see how emotionally damaged you are. I can love whole heartedly and although it may take a while, I can trust but what I can never believe is that someone will love me for the rest of my life.
It makes you confused and its harder to make decisions with anything, you don’t know what to do with yourself half of the time and sometimes it feels like you’ll never be able to move on, like this is it for the rest of your life. You feel like your life is passing you by and you’re not enjoying any of it.
Being in a situation like this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through and if you’re going through something traumatic alone then you are the strongest person and you deserve nothing but happiness, life is always worth fighting for,
K xxx
pennyathought 